Whose Life Are You Living?

Whose life are you living? Finding your path isn't always easy. Cathy shares her process of finding her dharma.

Valentine's Day is right around the corner and unless you are completely oblivious about your surroundings, you can't help but notice all the images of hearts and love everywhere. Apparently cupid ate one too many of those stupid chocolate hearts and has thrown up his little pink chunks of love all over the retail market. Needless to say, as a single girl, Valentine's Day has never been high ranking among my favorite holidays.

Valentine's Day has always enhanced my feelings of less than or unworthiness. A day made completely for couples, two halves who make a whole, soulmates who found each other. The goal by which so many measure themselves successful adults. I clearly had failed at this incredibly important task of life, a task I had spent my whole life chasing -- failing time and time again. Bummer.

Recently, I was working with a coach that suggested I wasn't following my dharma. Instead I was too busy trying to be normal to be true to my soul. Following my what? And what’s so bad about trying to be normal? So I researched the concept. Dharma comes from Buddhism and Hinduism and essentially means "the way things are." It is often used at the individual level to mean your mission or purpose. Unfortunately, this definition didn't really clarify my confusion. How did my inability to have a healthy relationship relate to following my purpose? What now?!? Yep, you guessed it, meditation and reflection.

That was 3 months ago, so the answers haven't come quickly, and I don't have all of them yet; however, I am starting to uncover some ideas. The Bhagavad Gita, an ancient yogic text, teaches us that it is better to live your own dharma imperfectly, than to live somebody else's dharma perfectly. Ouch.

I'm so busy trying to live society's definition of perfection that I'm missing my own life. I've been blessed with amazing family and friends who love me completely. Yet, I've taken these relationships for granted in search of what society told me I should want and have -- that elusive soul mate. However, in the quiet moments, my heart would whisper and I knew marriage and kids wasn’t the path I needed to take. Unfortunately, I didn’t listen to my soul. Instead I continued to judge my success by the goals of society instead of celebrating my achievements along my journey.

Living someone else's dharma is really not that unusual. There's a whole concept of "keeping up with the Jones" -- all about living somebody else’s dharma. RECOGNIZING that you are not living your dharma AND making a change is the hard part. But wow -- once you realize and let go of chasing a dream that isn't yours -- HUGE relief. I've started understanding my dharma and making changes to travel that path. And no, before you ask, I'm not going to tell you my dharma because it's mine. Go get your own! No seriously -- whose dharma are you living? Is your job your choice or your parents? Is your hobby yours or your friends? Is your religion yours or your families? Whose path are you on?

So how can you figure out if you are living your dharma? Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1) What makes you feel passionate deep down in your heart?

2) What makes you excited to get out of bed in the morning? Yes even you people who hate mornings!

3) When you look back at your best memories what were you doing?

Dig deep when you answer these questions. Were you providing care and support to someone? Were you making people laugh, solving problems, helping educate? Your dharma isn't superficial and your answers can't be either. Start seriously reflecting on what path your heart REALLY wants to be on.

Figuring out your dharma is NOT easy, but the work is worth the effort. Letting go of other people's dreams can mean hurting or disappointing others. (Sorry Mom and Dad, looks like all your grandchildren will have 4 legs and cold wet noses!) However, walking your own path can be immensely rewarding. Personally, I have a sense of peace and ease I never had before. I'm calmer and more patient with things that use to set off my anger. I'm also more open to experiences and opportunities than I've ever been. And perhaps most importantly, I'm accepting my relationship for exactly what it is in my life instead of the goal I measure my success - and wow that makes it so much easier. So bring on cupid! He doesn't bother me anymore. His dharma is not mine and I don't feel less for being me.